


hard pill to swallow

by emmerrr



Series: To live will be an awfully big adventure [15]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 14:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20968109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmerrr/pseuds/emmerrr
Summary: It’s a bad day for Andrew. Neil doesn’t know the specifics, but he can tell, and Andrew knows he knows. It doesn’t need to be spoken. It just is.[written for the prompt: Andrew having a nightmare and lashing out unconsciously.]





	hard pill to swallow

**Author's Note:**

> this went up on tumblr a little while ago and i could've sworn i cross-posted it but i guess not, so here it is for the ao3 crowd :)

Finals is no one’s favourite time of the year, least of all Neil’s as it means the Exy season is over; no more official matches until August, or even September if they’re unlucky as far as scheduling goes.

But more pressingly, finals season means just that – _finals. _It means relentless studying and all-nighters and stress (his own and everyone else’s). The only person who remains unaffected by the whole thing is, as ever, Andrew. Neil’s lighthouse in the storm.

“Having an eidetic memory is an unfair advantage,” Nicky complains one afternoon when he, Kevin, and Neil sit in different corners with their notes spread before them. Andrew sits on his own desk, smoking out the window.

“Only when it comes to tests,” Kevin says, then throws his pen lid at Nicky. “And why aren’t you studying in your own suite?”

“Aaron and Matt kicked me out for talking too much,” Nicky says mournfully.

“No shit,” Kevin replies, and Nicky scowls at him and chucks back the pen lid. This goes back and forth a few more times with increasing intensity.

They’re driving Neil crazy; he rubs his temples tiredly, all the numbers on his notes are blurring together which shouldn’t be happening. He _likes _math. But he’s burnt out and grumpy because Wymack’s not allowing anyone in the stadium until they’ve finished their exams.

It’s just the end of the year, and everyone’s going a little stir-crazy. That’s all.

“Stop it,” Kevin finally snaps at Nicky.

_“You_ stop it, you _started _it.”

A miss-aimed pen lid hits Neil in the cheek and bounces onto the floor. Andrew picks it up and throws it out the window along with his cigarette butt.

“Look at that, I finished it,” he says, then walks out without a backwards look at anyone.

The silence following the door swinging shut seems magnified in Andrew’s absence, but then Nicky shrugs. “What’s _his _problem?”

Neil gathers his notes together and shoves them in his desk drawer before scrambling to his feet. “My best guess? You two,” he says, then follows Andrew out, just about catching Kevin’s semi-offended squawk.

His choice of direction is upstairs or downstairs. Neil picks upstairs because with Andrew it’s nearly always up, which is pretty ironic for someone who’s afraid of heights.

His hunch is right on the money; as soon as Neil wrestles the door to the roof open, he spots Andrew out over by the ledge. Something in his chest clenches, every time. He wishes he wouldn’t stand so close to the edge.

There’s no way Andrew didn’t hear him open the door, but Neil softly calls out his name anyway, just so he knows Neil’s there.

It’s a bad day for Andrew. Neil doesn’t know the specifics, but he can tell, and Andrew _knows_ he knows. It doesn’t need to be spoken. It just _is._

Andrew was already up when Neil woke up, mainlining coffee in the kitchenette. The shadows under his eyes are stark and telling, and his cigarette intake has been even higher than usual. Neil’s not even sure the last time Andrew properly slept.

He doesn’t acknowledge Neil’s presence now, but he does sit down, crossing his legs. Neil sits down beside him, leaving space so that they’re not touching.

It’s quiet for a long, long time, then Andrew sighs. “You should be studying.”

“So should you.”

“Didn’t you hear?” Andrew taps his head. “Eidetic memory.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “Pretty sure you actually need to have read the material for that to help you.”

Andrew doesn’t quite smirk, but his mouth twitches, just for a second. “Touché.”

Neil hesitates. “You will be alright, won’t you? In your finals?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I can’t help it.”

Andrew slides an impassive look his way. “Try.”

But Neil doesn’t _want _to try not to worry about Andrew. Andrew hasn’t had enough people worrying about him.

Andrew lights two cigarettes and passes one to Neil. He waits until it’s half burnt away before he speaks again.

“Can I get you anything? Food, or something.”

Andrew shakes his head. “Nope.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nope.”

“…Do you want me to leave?”

Andrew grits his teeth together; Neil can see the tension in his jaw. He waits for the dismissal, but it doesn’t come.

“No,” Andrew finally gets out, and he links his pinkie with Neil’s without looking at him. “Stay.”

They stay up there for another hour or so before heading back downstairs. Kevin and Nicky have ordered food for them which Neil, suddenly starving, wolfs down. Andrew barely touches his and mostly just pushes it around his plate, but at least he eats _something._

After they’ve finished, Neil gets in another couple hours of studying and Andrew at least appears to be skimming through a Criminology textbook.

Neil goes for a long run, and by the time he gets back and gets out of the shower, Andrew has already gone to bed.

Kevin remains at his desk, more late night studying, and Neil knows he should do the same, but he doesn’t really want Andrew to be alone. Unless of course Andrew _wants _to be alone.

He goes into the bedroom, still towelling off his hair. The light’s still on in there and Andrew is in his bed but right back against the wall, his eyes heavy but open, and fixed on Neil.

Neil thinks he’s been waiting for him, but he refrains from saying it out loud.

“Hey,” he says quietly instead.

“Hey.”

He quickly pulls on his sleep-shirt and his ratty old pyjama pants, then tentatively sits on the edge of Andrew’s bed.

He slowly reaches his hand out towards Andrew’s face, then thinks the better of it and pulls it back.

“Neil,” Andrew says. His voice is wrecked, betraying his exhaustion. “You can.”

Neil smiles, grateful for being allowed to show this basic level of comfort, such as it is. Gently, he smooths some of the hair back out of Andrew’s face. Andrew tracks the movement, and Neil doesn’t do it for long; he doesn’t want to push his luck.

“Okay,” he murmurs. “Goodnight.” He starts towards the ladder leading to his loft above Andrew’s bed.

“Neil,” Andrew says again, and then his eyes flicker to the space beside him. The space he’s clearly left for Neil.

“Are you sure?” Neil asks. “You might sleep better if I’m not in your space.”

“I won’t sleep anyway,” Andrew replies, “so you might as well stay.”

Neil won’t make him ask again; Andrew’s clearly made his mind up, and it’s not like Neil objects to sharing the bed. It’s certainly where he’d rather be.

He flips off the light-switch and crawls under the covers, careful not to touch Andrew or jostle him too much.

When his eyes adjust, Andrew is still looking at him. It’s not been a day for kissing, so Neil doesn’t try. He whispers, “Goodnight, Andrew. Try and get some sleep,” and then his own tiredness drags him under.

He wakes up desperate to pee some time later and inwardly bemoans the amount of coffee he’s been drinking lately. He glances towards Andrew before he gets up and is gratified to see that Andrew is, in fact, asleep. The covers are pulled up so high that most of Andrew’s face is hidden, but he’s definitely asleep, his breathing deep and even.

As carefully as possible, Neil slips out of bed and pads out towards the bathroom.

By the time he’s finished and is crossing back to the bedroom, he’s already yawning. It’s still dark out so he reasons he has at least a couple more hours to sleep, and he slumps back into bed, landing heavier than he means to.

Andrew’s moving before Neil registers it; an elbow hard in his side as Andrew shoves him off the bed.

He lands on the floor with a thud but he’s instantly alert, and curses himself for not being more careful. He hops up and turns the lights on, flooding the room with a fluorescent glow.

“What the _fuck,” _Kevin groans, but Neil’s eyes are on Andrew and Andrew alone.

He’s sitting upright, his back flat against the wall and his knees pulled close to his chest. He’s fully awake now and he meets Neil’s stare with his own. He’s breathing a little faster than he should be, but Neil waits, and Andrew’s heart-rate gradually slows down.

“…Guys?” Kevin says, concern lacing his tone.

“Go back to sleep,” Neil tells him, then takes half a step closer to Andrew.

It’s useless to say sorry; Andrew won’t appreciate it. It’s also useless to ask if he’s okay, because he’s obviously not. Neil should have just climbed back up to his own bed, he shouldn’t have risked waking Andrew up.

He’s still figuring out what to say when Andrew speaks first. “I was…” He trails off and shakes his head. His eyes are pools of darkness. “Nightmare,” he sums up.

Neil squeezes his hands into fists until his nails are pushing sharply at his palms. “I got up to go to the bathroom,” he explains, trying to keep his voice even. His anger at everyone who has ever wronged Andrew won’t help here. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Andrew tilts his head to the side. “I’m glad you did,” he says, and _fuck, _Neil feels sick. He doesn’t want to imagine what Andrew might have been reliving deep in his subconscious. He supposes he should be grateful that he’s at least now awake and out of it.

He motions to Neil’s stomach. “Did I hurt you?”

Neil had already forgotten the elbow to the side. “What? No, I’m fine.”

“Neil fine, or regular fine?”

He frowns. “Regular fine.”

Andrew nods at length, appearing to take Neil’s word at this. He’s still bleeding tension, and Neil wants to fix it, but he’s ill-equipped.

“Kevin, get him some water.”

Kevin, to his credit, goes without question.

“What do you need?” he asks Andrew helplessly as soon as they’re alone.

Andrew shrugs. “I don’t need anything.”

“You can…” Neil kneels before the bed, not actually wanting to sit on it. He doesn’t want to crowd Andrew. “You can tell me, if you need to. If it’ll help.”

“It won’t,” Andrew says simply, and Neil’s ashamed to admit there’s some relief there.

“What about–” Neil looks around desperately, his eyes landing on Andrew’s phone– “Betsy? You could call Betsy.”

Andrew rests his cheek on his knees as he considers this. Kevin gets back with the water, and he holds it out to Andrew. He doesn’t take it, and Kevin puts it down on top of the chest of drawers.

“Alright,” Andrew says eventually, and holds his hand out. “I’ll call Bee.”

Neil drops the phone into Andrew’s offered hand. “We’ll leave you alone,” he says, and gets up, pushing Kevin lightly to get him out the door. He turns before he shuts it. “I’ll be right out here, okay?”

He closes the door with a quiet click and then goes to the kitchenette where Kevin is starting the washing up they neglected to do earlier.

Neil picks up a towel to help. “Sorry,” he says, somewhat belatedly considering it’s Kevin’s room too and he’s just kicked him out of bed in the middle of the night.

Kevin shrugs. “Don’t be. He okay?”

“I spooked him,” Neil says miserably.

“Sounds like you yanked him out of a nightmare,” Kevin says. “That’s probably a good thing.”

“It would be a good thing if he wasn’t having nightmares at all.”

“Fuck, Neil.” Kevin sighs, and he looks monumentally uncomfortable which is how Neil knows he’s about to say something helpful. “We’ve all got our demons, and Andrew’s are worse than most. You can’t control what he dreams about anymore than he can. So maybe don’t beat yourself up over it and just be there for him afterwards?”

“He won’t let me.”

Kevin levels Neil with a disparaging look. “If you really believe that then you haven’t been paying attention.”

Neil doesn’t reply to that, and Kevin doesn’t seem to have anything else to add. They finish cleaning up in silence and then sit down in the beanbag chairs, where Kevin almost immediately nods off.

A short while later, the bedroom door opens and Andrew steps out. He’s wearing his Foxes windbreaker and he has Neil’s in his hand.

“Roof,” he says, passing the windbreaker over on his way to the suite door. Neil pulls it on and taps Kevin on the shoulder to rouse him.

“You can go back to bed now,” he says. Kevin nods wearily and stands up. “And…thank you.”

Kevin waves his hand dismissively, a _don’t worry about it, _and Neil allows himself a small smile.

Andrew has already left by the time Neil’s pulled his shoes on, and he hurries out after him, catching up on the last flight of stairs.

It’s a wordless routine; they sit, Andrew lights them cigarettes, they look out across campus as they smoke, nothing but a comfortable silence between them.

Andrew doesn’t look quite as haunted as he did when he first violently woke up, so Neil assumes the phone-call with Betsy helped somewhat. Either that, or he’s just at least now had enough distance from the nightmare.

He wants to reach out and hold Andrew’s hand, but he doesn’t think it would be appreciated right now, and besides, it feels like it would be more for his comfort than Andrew’s, and this isn’t _about _him.

“I wish I could do more,” Neil says, and Andrew looks at him, waiting for a further explanation. But Neil doesn’t have one. “I wish I could help.”

Andrew takes a long drag of his cigarette before blowing out a flume of smoke. He stubs it out on the ground and flicks it off the edge.

“You do,” he says. When Neil looks back at him, Andrew gestures between them. “You – this – _us…_it’s enough.”

Slowly, Andrew inches his way across the gap between them. He lowers his head onto Neil’s shoulder and exhales slowly. It sounds like a sigh of relief.

“You help, Neil.”

Neil smiles.

This is enough.


End file.
